1900: ‘The Hundredth Princess’ by Evelyn Sharp

Hertzsprung-Russell rating: B10^-3

Available in: The Other Side Of The Sun

Synopsis: A forest enchantress bewitches a king (bitches be bewitchin’) and, under her magic spell, the king stops hunting wild animals and begins helping the scullery maids with their chores. Next, she’ll convince the king to start wearing collared shirts and go apple-picking in Mennonite country on Saturday. Pretty soon the king’s royal buddies won’t see him at all and when they do they’ll accuse him of being pussywhipped and remind him they had a pact they formed when they were 17 that they would keep the band together until they made it big and YES THIS STORY IS ABOUT YOU, GARY YOU NEVER SHOULD’VE LET MELISSA BREAK UP SCROTUM POLE!