Hertzsprung-Russell rating: F0.1

Available in: Study War No More

A tale of futuristic American military Imperialism, but instead of bombing, torture and rendering extraordinarily, invading soldiers deliver brand-new home appliances to third world countries and force enemy combatants to use them at gunpoint.  Forget napalm in the morning; wait’ll you get a whiff of freshly-made Freedom Toast served piping hot from a General Electric 3000-Series Liberator oven. Yum! BREAKING NEWS: I’ve just learned that, because of its involvement in the overcooking of a civilian casserole , General Electric has been court-martialed.

Hertzsprung-Russell rating: F104.5

Available in: Mercenaries Of Tomorrow

A kid growing up in a futuristic utopia wearies of being coddled and ventures into the untamed countryside to join a bloodthirsty barbarian horde. A lot of young people join bloodthirsty barbarian hordes just for the parties; they think bloodthirsty barbarian hordes drink a lot. But they don’t. That’s why they’re bloodthirsty. They may have a small glass of blood with dinner. Or maybe a blood shandy on a hot day. But for the most part, they’re pretty dry. They love rape, though.

Hertzsprung-Russell rating: A106.5+

Available in: Fighting The Future War


From the creator of Buck Rogers comes the tale of a futuristic America at war with a global Mongolian empire that wants to wipe them out. To combat these retarded Mongoloid schemes, a few brave fugitive ‘Muricans take to the skies in airships to do battle. Belligerent Americans – real creative, Phil. In reality, the only time we need to fear the Mongolians is during the high jump event at the summer Olympics; they’ve had 3000 years to practice on that wall the Chinese built.