Hertzsprung – Russell rating: A10

Available in: Friends Of The Horseclans

In a post-apocalyptic America (NOTE: It was something the Democrats did) a young boy befriends a telepathic warhorse. Kinda like ‘Old Yeller’ with a mind-reading horse instead of a pyrokinetic dog. The two of them grow to love each other, and the boy eventually rises up against his village’s oppressive neo-feudal overlord by asking his equine BFF to trample said warlord to death. Proof that having a horseshoe up your ass isn’t always good luck.

Hertzsprung-Russell rating: G/K105

Available in: Prayers To Broken Stones

A guy who can see the entire electromagnetic spectrum discovers the true cause of cancer and sets out to destroy it, with horrific results. The problem with being able to see the entire electromagnetic spectrum is that, besides having to hear the music of Aerosmith, you’d have to fucking look at it, too, and I’m fairly certain every song they’ve ever written is shit brown. “Even ‘Pink’?” you ask, incredulous. “Especially ‘Pink’” I reply.

Hertzsprung-Russell rating: F105.5

Available in: Tales From The New Twilight Zone

After a secret military project opens a wormhole to another dimension (by pressing a button that says ‘OPEN WORMHOLE NOW’) the army sends in its top wormhole enterer to see what’s on the other side. And what’s on the other side is an idyllic planet inhabited by a race of peaceful aliens – space hippies, if you will – whom the army man then struggles to protect against his own military-industrial complex. The lesson here is that opening a wormhole opens up a whole other can of worms.